Good for Your Marriage: Leave Things Unsaid?

"Before I got married my boss told me that the secret to a strong marriage is to leave at least three things unsaid each day" –The Happiness Project

I read this and I wasn’t too sure what it meant. They didn’t really explain it and it was just left at that, so it seems like it’s really open to interpretation. I like it when things are just clear, and you know what a person means, but in this case I had to make up what I think they mean, which I guess can be fun (I need to make myself think creatively more often!).

So I think they mean leave a little mystery, leave a little to the imagination and leave things light. You don’t have to cram everything your spouse needs to know or do into one day or making sure they know it all right away (which I am for sure guilty of). I tend to “download” or “offload” on Marshall at the end of the day, or when we’re sitting and talking because I want to know that he knows everything that’s going on and that we’re on the same page. That’s a good practice, I love it, but there need to be a balance which I don’t think I usually maintain. Men are different then women or more specifically Marshall is different than me. If I try and tell Marshall everything all in one sitting only 50% of it is going to settle and is remembered. Not because Marshall is slow or to any fault of his (other than him sometimes not focusing all his attention) but rather because of my detail nature and his big picture nature. I tell him everything that he needs to know about a certain topic and I think sometimes that’s just overwhelming (for anyone for that matter!) and the “need to know” facts get lost somewhere in the middle. Talking and communicating information is great but keep it light, communicate the “need to know” facts and then leave a little bit unsaid. If you don’t need to say it today wait till tomorrow, space it out.

What do you think? What’s your good marriage practice?

Good for Your Marriage: Criticism

"My husband and I never criticize each other for more than one thing at a time" – The Happiness Project

I think this is great! I know when I get going I tend to bring everything up that I might have been holding onto and that’s so not far. I stock pile it and then when the flood gates open I drown Marshall with criticism and who wants that? And if the criticism doesn’t drawn him the negativity I bring and the “I’m not good” feelings will (when I criticize I’m not nearly as soft as I should be).

And to add to that most people don’t improve or have the motivation to improve if they’ve been told a pile of things they aren’t good at. One thing at a time is manageable, doable, a goal that can be tackled. Trying to remember to do ten different things, and change ten different things at once? Not easy!

I know we’re not supposed to change our spouse but I believe we are supposed to help them become a better person and a better them. And that is often done through coaching, suggestions and criticism. So here’s to holding back, here’s to only suggestion one thing at a time. If I want to change myself, or help others change I need to focus on and communicate only one thing at a time and so do you!

What do you think? How do you communicate criticism?

Good For Your Marriage: Better Together

"Better Together" for Match.com from FriendsWithYou on Vimeo.

Ok, not the usual for my posts on marriage, but watch this great video and thing of all the things that make you and your mate better together. It's so light hearted and fun, I couldn't help but be more appreciative of my man after watching!

Good For Your Marriage: Laughing Your Way To a Better Marriage

This guy is great!! I totally recommend this! It's a nice change from all the serious stuff, but still have a lot of truth and helpfulness to it.

Good for Your Marriage: Games

"My Quaker grandparents, who were married for seventy-two years, said that each married couple should have an outdoor game, like tennis or golf, and an indoor game, like Scrabble or gin, that they play together"- The Happiness Project

I think this is great! Most men state that one of their top ways they feel connection to their spouse is through recreational activities and that for sure includes games.

Marshall loves Scrabble. I’m a horrible speller and I find Scrabble incredibly frustration and no fun at all. I know Marshall wants me to play it with him but I find the game painful. After finding out that games are a way he feels connected to me I’ve started playing with him at family gatherings (when we play on teams!) and he loves it. We also bought a game together and we play together often when we have triple dates. It’s a great way to build memories, laughter, and team work. It lightens things up and puts you in a different mindset for a while, which I know we all need.

As for outdoor games we don’t have much yet but we go for walks (now we have even more reason because our Ollie), bike rides and drives together. Again it’s nice to have something else to focus on and something that doesn’t require a lot of thought or brain function. It’s nice to just do something together which I know for Marshall is really refreshing because I’m a talker.
So I suggest finding some games you love, indoor and outdoor and go one step future; find other recreational activities you will start doing together. Trust me, it works and will make you much more relaxed.

What do you think? What are you already playing together that’s working wonders for you?

Good For Your Marriage: Boundies In Marriage

"Learn when to say yes and when to say no - to your spouse and to others - to make the most of your marriage

Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other′s needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage - and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for."

Good For Your Marriage: Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti

"Men & Women know they are different, but what can they do about the differences?

In this refreshing, humorous look at relationships, Bill & Pam Farrel explain why a man is like a waffle (each element of his life is in a separate box), why a woman is like a plate of spaghetti (everything in her life touches everything else), and how the differences can work for you."

Good For Your Marriage: His Needs, Her Needs

"His Needs, Her Needs is designed to change the course of a marriage. Using a conversational style, Dr. Harley helps couples understand why their best intentions are not enough to prevent marital incompatibility. Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs--they must actually meet them!

Ignorance often contributes to a couples failure to care for each other. Men tend to try to meet needs that they value and women do the same. But their needs are often very different and they waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs.

The right needs are so strong that when they're not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them. But aside of the risk of affair, important emotional needs should be met for the sake of care itself. Marriage is a very special relationship. Promises are made to allow a spouse the exclusive right to meet some of these important needs. When they are unmet, it is unfair to the spouse who must go through life without ethical alternatives.

Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them."

Good For Your Marriage: The Ten Minute Marriage Principle

"Counselor Dr. Douglas Weiss developed this easy-to-follow plan for improving your marriage. By investing just ten minutes a day to focus on each other and do simple exercises, couples can enhance their marriages in ways they will benefit from for a lifetime!"

Marshall and I got this book as part of a wedding gift. I’ve read a lot of marriage books so I sort of had the “oh, another marriage books….great” mentality but we started reading it and although we aren’t very far in its helped us a lot already.

The main thought of the book (or at least so far) is you take a few of the items listed in the book and go oven them every day together and it’s only supposed to take you ten minutes but it will make you feel more connected and united.

You’re supposed to pick three items and do the practice for three to six months and then switch topics/items. The ones that we picked were: Pray together, What are you thankful for today, and the two “Es” (what was energizing for you today and what was effort). We’re still working on getting this done in ten minutes because usually each topic comes with a little story from the day but it’s for sure been a great help to our marriage and it’s helped us get to the point of things and really communicate some stuff that we might not have otherwise.

Check out an interview with the writer at Mama's Health

Here's how to buy the book

What good things have you done recently for your marriage?

Good For Your Marriage: Love & Respect

So I've read a lot of books, taken a lot of courses and watched a lot of videos on relationships and how I can do better and be better for myself, my man and my marriage so I thought I would start sharing my finds with you here!

I highly suggest reading this book, and watching the DVDs! It's so good (and the DVDs are really funny!). I know I for sure learned a lot!




Here's a little video to give you an idea of what it's like. Again, I highly suggest this book/videos!

What book or principle has really helped your relationship?